I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
