I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
