rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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