Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
