i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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