it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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