i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
