I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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