just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
