Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
