Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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