here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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