He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
