Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
