i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
