I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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