How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
