I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
