This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
