plz talk dirty to me
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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