Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
