Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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