But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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