I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
