Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
