Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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