dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Semen is not good for contacts.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
