Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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