Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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