After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
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You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize