My cat gives me a boner
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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