Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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