Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
