I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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