I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
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i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
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But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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