Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
