so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
