I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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