I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
