Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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