I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
