I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
