my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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