Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
this beer tastes like vomit already
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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