i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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