I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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