Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
