I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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