How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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