can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
