I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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