I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
