We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
