I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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